Condoms, Trust and Saying No

Always Aroused Girl has made a couple posts about her experience with a trusted lover who promised her that he was using condoms with all other lovers. In time she discovered that this man had betrayed her, and was actually going condom free with several other lovers who each also believed that she was the only one with whom he was condom-free.

It got me to thinking about an incident I’ve tried to block out of my mind.

Earlier this year, I woo’ed by, then dumped by, a man I met online. He lived halfway across the country, so we spent several months getting to know one another through emails, phone calls and text messages. We discussed our expectations in anticipation of our first meeting. We talked about the best- and worst-case scenarios. (I thought) we opened our hearts to each other.

Before our first date, I warned him that I don’t sleep with men on the first date. In fact, I don’t have sex with a man until I’m sure it’s likely to become a relationship. He told me that he’d had a relationship with every woman he’s slept with. Even if no sex was involved, I told him, I hoped to spend the night sleeping wrapped in his arms. And we both agreed that in some respects it didn’t feel like a first date because we’d gotten to know each other so well. Even though we’d never met face-to-face, I felt as if a level of trust had developed between us.

That first night we went out to dinner. There was wine involved, but the quantities were relatively modest. I wasn’t drunk, and I don’t think he was, either. After dinner, we went back to his hotel room. That, in itself, wasn’t a surprise. I’d met him before dinner at his hotel. I’d even been up to his room before dinner, and he was a perfect gentleman. I wanted to go back to his hotel room.

Clothes were removed. Body parts were touched and kissed and fondled and bitten. Soon, he made it clear that he wanted to have sex, and I agreed. Get a condom, I insisted. He initially balked, but finally got one from his toiletry kit. We started to have sex. We stopped to engage in more fun that didn’t involve penetration. We started to have sex again. We stopped again. He removed the condom and we continued in our passionate ways, minus pentration. We were both having fun, and there didn’t seem to be any pressure to rush things.

I rolled onto my side, with my back to him. Suddenly he forced himself into me. “No Daddy,” I whimpered. “Please, no, stop.”

He didn’t. It lasted only a brief moment in time–maybe less than a minute–before he came inside me. “It’s OK, baby,” he said. “I’ve been tested. I’m safe. I haven’t been with anyone since I was tested 6 months ago.”

I didn’t argue. We curled up together an fell asleep.

I saw him one more before he left town. There was no sex involved. But in the back of my mind, I had a nagging feeling. Without any discussion, he’d fucked me without a condom. I hadn’t given permission. I’d asked him to stop. He didn’t. But for some reason, I found myself willing to overlook it. After all, I cared about this man. I’d fallen for him, head over heels, before we even met. And the rest of our time together–you know, except for the part where he was fucking me against my will without a condom–was magical. For whatever reason, I felt willing to forgive him for that heat-of-the-moment transgression.

He left town and we started to make plans for our next visit. Then, without warning, he disappeared as quickly as he’s appeared.

In my anger over what could have been, I also started to get angry over the sex. I was upset and bothered on a lot of levels, but I was also upset with myself, because to some extent I was willing to forgive him. Some of the things that went through my mind when dealing with the ramifications:

• I said no, and he ignored me. But in the BDSM world, when does “no” really mean “no”? We hadn’t set a safeword, so should he have listened to me when I said “no”?
• If I’d really meant it, couldn’t I have pulled away from him, gotten up and walked out the door?
• He never asked if I’d been tested, nor did he ask if I was on birth control. The irony is that he has two children under the age of 5 with two women. The younger of the kids–the one who wasn’t even a year old at the time–was an accidental pregnancy with his ex-girlfriend. Shouldn’t a man who’s recently made that mistake ensure that he takes all precautions to prevent another unplanned pregnancy?
• I have no insurance, and the cost of a full battery of STD tests costs real money. I walked into my local free clinic a month or two later, and immediately turned around and left. It was dirty. The clientele looked seedy. The wait would be hours, and they took no appointments. Eventually I broke down and got the tests from my OB-GYN. It was an expensive lesson, but fortunately the results were clean.
• This man was previously a law-enforcement officer. And not just any old small-town police officer. He worked for a federal law enforcement agency. (And, yes, it’s the one you’re probably thinking of.) He’s now an executive at a big company, where he reports to the CEO. (The kind of position where you worry about your image, and don’t do things outside of work that could tarnish your image at the office.) Aren’t these the kinds of people we should be able to trust?
• He has daughters who are close to my age. How would he feel if a man treated one of his daughters this way?
• If you agree to sex under certain conditions (with a condom) and then the conditions change (the condom is removed) and you say “no” is it date rape?
• Why was I willing to forgive him for ignoring my wishes when I thought things were going well between us, but I became so angry about the incident when things fell apart?

I’ve asked myself all of these questions, and more, over the last six months. And I don’t have the answers. Most of the time I’m able to put it out of my mind, but Always Aroused Girl’s recent post brought the memories back to me. It’s still upsetting because of what happened, and because of the way that I reacted–or didn’t react–to the situation.

Snap Judgments

Recently I “met” a guy on Alt who described himself as dominant. His photo was attractive, and he was well spoken. Based on our fetish checklists, it seemed as if we would be a good match. Then he told me what he did for a living, and my hopes were dashed. You see, when I envision myself with a dominant man, I don’t just take into consideration how he treats me. The fact is, I look at the whole package. And call me superficial, but I just can’t envision myself with a dominant many who’s an actor in a children’s theater group. It’s not that I think he’s submissive. But when he’s acting tough and in a domly mood, I fear that I’d picture him dressed up as Barney and lose all respect for him!

So that got me to thinking…Are there some professions that are inheriently more dominant than others?

I {Heart} Gordon Ramsey

I admit, I have a schoolgirl crush on Gordon Ramsey. I’d first become aware of him at the launch of “Hell’s Kitchen,” a reality cooking contest where aspiring chefs compete for the chance to run a restaurant under the mentorship of British bad-boy chef Gordon Ramsey.

Ramsey’s known for his ultra-high standards of perfection; he doesn’t restrain himself someone fails to meet his standards of perfection. “You donkey,” he’ll scream at someone who has left him down. Prepared dishes, ready to be served, are flung in the trash. He never fails to turn a mistake into a teaching lesson (even if it’s delivered at a loud decibel). “Shut it down! Shut it all down!” he’ll order when he’s run out of patience with his cooks, and at that, diners are summarily kicked out of his television “restaurant” regardless of whether they’ve actually been fed.

Meeting Mr. P (A Year Later)

(Note: I’d partially written this post, then never finished it because things didn’t progress with Mr. P. Since this is a sex blog with very little sex, and since I met him exactly one year ago today, I thought it would be fun to finish and post this entry. FWIW, today is also the anniversary of when I first starting talking to the Dark Horse. He and I burned up the email wires that day, then I went out and fucked another man! Go figure… A couple days after the events described in this post, I had sex again with Mr. P. That’s the last time I’ve had sex. <sigh>)

Once I got past college, I was more-or-less done with the idea of sex-without-strings. I know it works for some people, but it didn’t appeal to me for a few reasons.

If I’m going to have sex with someone, I want to know them well enough to know what turns them on, and vice versa. So that eliminates your random bar hook-ups. Plus, I’d prefer to be having sex with someone I find genuinely interesting. If we can’t sit down and have a conversation about something unrelated to sex, it’s unlikely I’ll find you interesting enough to sleep with. Lastly–and this is the most difficult one–I’d rather sleep with someone repeatedly rather than having a one-time hook-up. After all, the sex is likely to get better, not worse. But if you find each other reasonably attractive and you can have an intelligent conversation with one another and you’re having sex on some kind of repeat basis, you potentially find yourself headed down a slippery slope. Assuming you’re both single (and I’m not interested in guys who are cheating on their girlfriends or wives), one of you is likely to eventually want more of a relationship than just sex.

And, let’s face it, it’s usually the woman who gets her heart broken, isn’t it?

So that’s why I was intrigued when I read Mr. P’s online personal.

Power is the Ultimate Aphrodisiac

I like a powerful man. I’m not talking about a physically strong guy (though that’s also a turnon). I’m talking about your successful, Type-A corporate executive. <<swoon>>

That Shook My Memories

Over the last year, I’ve become much more interested and in touch with my submissive side. It’s something I only became cognizant of in the last six or seven years (though I did little to pursue it), and before that time, I would have described myself as dominant. (And I still think I have a dominant personality in a lot of other areas of my life.)

As I’ve recently spent more time thinking about submission, I’ve realized that my submissive side has always existed, and I had submissive interactions for years before I “knew” I was submissive. Some of my earliest sexual fantasies were submissive in nature, and when I flirted with boys in high school and college, I was usually attracted to the dominant ones.

I’ve Been Reading…

Since I started blogging, I’ve become a fan of more kinky blogs.

I love caitlin smiles because it’s a well-rounded blog written by the female submissive half of a kinky couple. Not only does she post about the pains and pleasures of their relationship, she talks about their families, health, pets and daily life. Since I’m ultimately seeking a relationship with a dominant guy, I always enjoy reading about the lives of other couples because it reminds me of what I’m looking for. (Submissive Reflections is another lifestyle blog written by a female submissive, and for a while now I’ve enjoyed her writing and their relationship.) In case you’re sensing a theme here, danae whispering is also written by the female submissive half of a kinky couple. Danae’s blog focuses less on the kink and more on the day-to-day joys and challenges of being in a relationship and living life through a BDSM prism. I always feel good after reading it because she always seems to look at the positive side of life, even when dealing with problems thrown her way.

There’s only one way to describe One Life, Take Two: HOT! It’s written by Jefferson, a bi-sexual, dominant guy who’s recently divorced, and who makes no apologies for the fact that he’s catching up on all of the sex he missed while married. (He recently mentioned that in 15 years of marriage, he didn’t get a single blow job.) Now he’s writing about all-male orgies, male & female orgies, online sex, BDSM sex camp, his male lovers, his female lovers. You name it, he’s done it. He’s a great writer, and knows how to craft a story.

One of my favorite blogs, Life As His, disappeared a month or two ago. This one was written by Annissa, who was a wife, mom, slave to her husband, domme to their “girl” and part of a poly-clan. In the last couple weeks Annissa posted a brief message on her LiveJournal Starting Over saying that she was no longer “his” (her husband and master, I presume) and that she’d post more later. That message has now disappeared, and her blog is blank again. Knowing the devastation I feel when a year or two-year relationship comes to an end, I can only start to imagine what she’s feeling. I hope she’ll start posting again, because I know it can be a good outlet for the grief. But it’s impossible to guess what her circumstances are, and it’s possible she’s not posting for privacy and security reasons. I hope she finds comfort.

As a new blogger, I know how great it is to get comments. But I myself am not good at commenting. Some of it is an intimidation thing…if you read the comments of popular blogs, you see the names of the same commenters over and over again. By commenting, I always feel as if it’s my first day at a new school and I’m trying to make friends. I know that’s not really the case, but it’s still how I feel. It can feel intimidating! So if the owners of any of these blogs come across this post, they may be surprised to find that I count myself among their fans, since they may not have seen my name on their comments list. But I hope they understand that I’m probably just one of the silent dozens/hundreds/thousands who also read without commenting regularly. I promise I’ll try to do better on that front!

The Dark Horse

It’s been nearly three weeks since our second date, and the Dark Horse and I are finally about to go out again. Vacations, work, out-of-town visitors and family obligations have forced us to cool our heels while waiting for our third date (though we’ve had some steamy phone calls), so needless to say, I’m very excited about seeing him again, and I think it’s safe to say that he feels the same way.

At the risk of sounding head over heels…if I had to make a list of my ideal qualities in a mate/dom/boyfriend, he’d stack up pretty well (based on what I’ve learned about him so far).

Guy #3 (This is Where Things Start to Get Hot)

My first date with Guy #3 almost never happened…but I’m glad it did. Our correspondence was drawn-out, and intermittent. Work, life and personal obligations kept us both busy and distracted, and threatened to kill whatever momentum we might have had on email. Our start-and-stop emails continued for a few weeks until we finally made a date.

And then I almost didn’t go through with it.