Rules for Dominants

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the last year. In some respects, it’s my first long-term relationship with a dominant man (at least, my first LTR where we acknowledge our dominance and submission). I searched long and hard for a dominant man. And while I was searching, I made a common mistake: I started to imagine my dream relationship, and it was perfect. Unfortunately, I met my dream man, and my fantasy relationship collided with reality. It’s easy in this internet age to read to much online. You read blogs that detail the blogger’s perfect life. You read stories where people talk about their perfect relationship. You meet someone online who tells you exactly what he’s looking for, and you imagine that it could be true.

But what you forget is that real life is never perfect. People get sick. People get mad. People have bad days at work. People take other people for granted. People get stressed out. People sneeze and poop and fart. People yell. People are inconsiderate. People have families. People have other demands on their life.

The last eight months of my relationship have been up and down. There have been a lot of fantastic times together, but there have also been a lot of tears, some harsh words for one another, and some questions about whether we are really meant to be together. Some of these tensions have been brought upon us because the outside world has interfered. But that’s life…there will always be demands from work and friends and family. You can’t avoid it. But, in our relationship, it’s caused tension. When we’re together, we’re terrific. When we’re apart, things start to unravel. Unfortunately, for reasons outside of our control (mainly work, but also elderly family members who need each of our attentions), we spend more time than we’d like apart.

I must admit that I’m often the one who starts the fights. I’m the one who is hurting and lashes out at him because I’m feeling neglected. That’s one dirty secret that blogs and the rest of the internet will never tell you: Even doms don’t always feel like having sex sometimes. Even subs get mad. Even doms make mistakes. Even subs make demands. Even doms apologize.

A dozen times I’ve asked myself, “Am I staying in this relationship because I’m submissive? (In other words, I love him, but am I too forgiving?) Is he acting the way he’s acting because he’s dominant? (In other words, does he neglect me sometimes because he thinks he can get away with it?)“I don’t have the answers. I’m fighting to make this relationship succeed, but there are times I wonder if I’m fighting too hard. When our relationship is good, it’s great. When our relationship is bad, I’m miserable.

I have certain expectations for a relationship, and if those expectations aren’t being met, then I have to seriously consider whether I want to remain in the relationship. Just today, after another phone call filled with tears, I hung up and thought to myself, “Can a submissive give her dominant partner rules that he must agree to obey?” In some ways, it’s not very different from a submissive who has a list of non-negotiables. But my non-negotiables are things like, “We have to talk every night if we’re falling asleep in separate cities,” and “Please don’t cancel plans without first talking to me about it.”

So I’m curious. For those of you who are submissive and in a long-term relationship, what spoken or unspoken expectations do you have of your dom? What bad behavior makes you say, “Stop it! That’s not fair. This is something I need out of a relationship!” Or am I just a bad sub for not silently suffering?