It’s been a tough two weeks, and with each day that passes, it becomes more doubtful that my relationship with survive. I’ve been in so much pain, and the man who I love is the one who’s caused it. It hurts even more that I can’t turn to him for comfort.
I wake up each day, and then watch the clock, wondering how I’ll make it to the end of the day. Not that things improve once I’m back in bed. I have trouble falling asleep, and once I do, I wake up early and can’t fall back asleep. Sleeping aids seem to have little or no effect. I don’t know why I’m so eager to make it through each day, but I guess I’m just waiting for some finality to the situation. One way or another, I need to start the process of healing and recovery, and I can’t do that until things are resolved. In the meantime, I take it second-by-second, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week.
Time. Drags. On. So. Slowly.
He broke my trust in him. The sequence of events started with what I believe was a lie, and was then followed with a series of promises that he subsequently broke. It hurt on so many levels. It hurts because I was lied to. But it also hurts because at the same time that he was breaking my trust in him, he was pushing me away. Telling me he didn’t want to spend time with me. Hurting me because it seemed as if he wasn’t craving me as much as I was craving him.
He behaved inconsiderately and selfishly. He admits that. But he hasn’t made any effort to correct those behaviors. And he’s refused to talk to me on the phone, communicating instead through the occassional text message and email. I hate that he’s behaving childishly, and has resorted to passive-aggressive communication methods.
I admit that my behavior over the last two week hasn’t always been admirable. I’ve yelled. I’ve been stubborn. I’ve been demanding. And I’m not proud of that. But I feel pushed into a corner, driven to act out. I don’t want to be the proverbial “submissive doormat,” but he was treating me like I was one.
I’ve told him that our relationship is in jeopardy. I’ve told him that his actions send me the message that he wants out. He denies it. He brushes it off, tells me not to worry, tells me that all will be OK and that he loves me. I wonder how two people can be viewing the same situation and take away such differing opinions of it.
I’m not sure why I’ve held on for these last two weeks. Why didn’t I just end it all when the shit first hit the fan? I guess I optimistically expected that he’d fix it. He’d make it better. He’d show me that it was all a mistake.
But he hasn’t. He says one thing, but his actions speak volumes…and they’re saying something else. His actions tell me that I’m not a priority. His actions say that he has no problem treating me inconsiderately. His actions indicate that he has no interest in saving this relationship.
Why am I still here? Why am I still waiting for this grand gesture? I guess I’m scared. I guess I’m still holding out hope. I lose a little respect for myself here. Why have I let him treat me this way? Why haven’t I just walked away? Why am I leaving the door open for him, knowing he can behave this way, knowing that if I forgive him he might do this again?
I am scared. And I love his positive character traits. I can’t imagine finding someone who is his equal. I realize I’m getting old. The dating pool is growing smaller. I’ve looked at the profiles on Alt and CM and Bondage.com, and I’ve gotten disillusioned. It seems hopeless. I want the happily-ever-after story, and I thought I’d found it in him. I searched and searched and searched, and I thought I’d found him.
Now I’m not so sure.
Submissive in the City 
Honey – I wish I could hug you right now. You’ve invested a lot in this relationship – time, hopes, dreams and all that jazz. Giving up seems like you’ve wasted this energy and holding on makes you believe it won’t be in vain. That’s a natural psychological reaction. You know in your gut. Listen to it. Also believe in your heart this relationship was important and valid and will bring you joy in future relationships if this one doesn’t continue.
Hoping you sleep – aoefe
Wow. So sorry to read what you’re going through. I stumbles across your blog a few months ago and have probably checked in on it more often than you’ve posted of late (laugh). I’ve enjoyed all that you’ve written and, as with a character in a good movie, have been rooting for a happy ending for you. I still am.
I can’t offer much in the way of solace except to say that this, too, shall pass. Through the Internet you’ve discovered that there are lots of people out there with similar chemistries. It’s cliche, I know, but there are a lot of fish out there and the Internet makes it a whole lot easier to swim with the right school.
If it helps any, and I’m sure it doesn’t right now, most of us have been through what you’re going through. But it can all work out. In my first marriage good bedroom chemistry masked a lot of other issues. The breakup was hard. But I’d learned a lot about myself and my needs, likes and dislikes that allowed me to focus my dating going forward. My filter must have become pretty good, because within a few weeks of dating my now-wife, who seemed pretty vanilla, we took a camping trip together. On the trip she told me she liked to be spanked and I told her I wanted to tie her up. Win-win! We were married within months. Happy endings can and do happen, and there’s plenty of time for yours! Best wishes.
Women like this are few and far between. I have looked for years and only found posers. Would that there were a haven where women like this could be found. My search would be over.