I’ve written before of my frustrations with BDSM dating. In my post-college life, I’ve been in several long-term relationships, ranging from 9 months to 6 years. In between relationships, it’s taken anywhere from 6 months to a year before I’ve been ready to move on, and meet someone new. And I never really had any difficulty meeting great men.
Until I decided to limit myself to dating dominant men.
My last serious vanilla relationship ended a little more than two years ago. (Interestingly, we’ve become better friends since our split, and I now count him among my best platonic friends. But we’ve been platonic friends for longer than we dated.) It was about 18 months ago that I decided to limit my dating to kinky men.
In that time, I’ve probably gone out on a dozen first dates. In four or five instances, there were second dates, or more. I’ve met two men with whom I felt a deep connection and attraction, though the relationship was more emotional than physical because in both case, the men lived out-of-state.
All of it has left me a bit frustrated. I’m happiest in a relationship. At the risk of sounding corny, I love to love, and to be loved. I love the physical contact. I love the emotional connection that comes with being in a relationship.
I just haven’t figured out how to meet a dominant man who has all of the vanilla qualities I also seek. I’ve tried the kinky dating sites like Alt, CollarMe and Bondage.com. Each one has its strenghts, and I think I could potential meet my match on any one of them. (I met the Dark Horse on CollarMe and met another man–one I haven’t written much about–on Alt.) The downside is that there isn’t a lot of turnover on the sites, so I spend months looking at the couple dozen profiles that generally fit my parameters, and then wait for someone new and interesting to join. (If you’re single, consider that an incentive to join…a lot of eligible singles are just looking for their match, and if you’re a new member, your profile is like to get a lot of attention. So you, the one who’s reading this, why don’t you go join Alt, or CollarMe, or Bondage.com now! Just think, maybe we’ll be a match :wink:)
Three or four times I’ve posted ads on Craigslist, but each time I’ve been swamped with cut-and-paste emails from guys who don’t seem remotely dominant, even though I make it clear in my ad that I’m submissive, and am looking for a dominant man.
I haven’t tried any of the dungeons or munches in my city. I’ll readily admit that I’m intimidated and introverted at the idea of walking into a crowd where I don’t know anyone. It’s made worse by the fact that I’m relatively inexperienced in the D/s world, and will feel like the freshman who’s trying to hang out with the cool seniors. And I guess I’ve just heard too many stories about creepy guys at dungeons who do nothing more than annoy single women.
So what’s a girl to do? How’d you meet your partner? If you’ve already blogged about it, I’d love a link so I can read your story. Or leave in a comment–or send me an email. Whether you’re dominant or submissive, male or female, I need some success stories to boost my morale these days, because at times I wonder if I’ll ever meet Mr. Right!
Thanks!
Submissive in the City 
I’d encourage you to go to the munches, not because i think they are a tremendous harvest, but they are decent gatherings of mostly like-minded people. I understand that online is safe and at your own pace, but there is not much that is unsafe about a munch. Play parties are different, and depending on your city, there are a ton of options there. Do you have the opportunity to attend SM workshops or seminars? Also a great opportunity to meet like-minded folks.
Last but not least, there are those of us who are kinky but do not appear so on the exterior. You never know what lurks in the vanilla.
Hi Deity,
Thanks for your comment. (BTW, I’ve also linked to your site…you’re a great writer and very insightful!) I haven’t attended any munches. Despite the size of my city, there seem to very few munches, and none that I qualify for within the central part of the city. (The most interesting one that is held in the city is one for young kinky people, and I miss the upper age cutoff by just a year.) My new submissive friend and I have talked about trying to find a munch, but we just haven’t found one yet! Your recommendation about seminars and workshops is a good one…the local dungeons do seem to hold monthly seminars, so I should probably rally my friend so we can attend one together. There’s strength in number!
(But frankly, I think I’m a better match with the people you refer to in your last sentence…someone who doesn’t appear kinky, but is. How to meet them? That’s the question.)
J
Hi J,
I really don’t have any good advice – I’ve really only had one “dominant” partner and I met him on alt.com. It didn’t work out, so I am now in the same boat as you are. I totally agree that the thought of going to “munches” is really intimidating, especially if you are hoping to find someone vanilla-looking (i.e., no long hair, and no leather pants). I have read too many internet accounts of what happens when unattached submissive girls go wandering around a bunch of dominants alone. I’ve never been able to get the guts up myself. If you ever do get your nerve up, I would love to hear about it!
Nice to meet you!
*lg
I’d encourage you to grab the sub pal and go to a munch. Most of those dating sites have forums for local areas, and as you’re in a big city you should be able to find a munch.
I avoided munches for years because I was afraid. I eventually got up the courage and went with a pal, and have been actively involved with the local scene for several years now. In fact, I’m running a munch/social these days.
Yes, there will be assholes and jerks and $5 says someone will say the *wrong* thing to you at least once. Accept that and attend anyways.
Over the years I’ve met partners on all of the sites you listed. The only relationships that I’ve had that lasted over a year were all with people I met in person at a munch, social, or party.
Give it a try, at least!